cancersucks

Learning to Get Along

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The last few weeks have brought us some great memories and fun; but let’s face it, it’s really hard to feel upbeat when our country is in the shape that it is.  Not only are we all frustrated with prices at the gas pump and the grocery store; we are all unable to fully relax and enjoy the company of friends and loved ones because of the glaring political divide.  It’s no secret that the media is so in tune with what our preferences are that all we are able to access is more of the same brainwashing material.  Finding material to help you see the other side is practically impossible.  We are all being fed the information that “they” want us to see and hear that supports our own feelings; often separating us from our friends, family and neighbors.    

I am very proud of my 22 years of service to my community as a township official.  This experience gave me a lot of opportunity to strongly debate my thoughts on an issue and actively listen to the other side. Still, able to leave the meeting as friends; as if we shared all the same opinions.  Unfortunately, it seems that so many are unable to do that in the current political climate. I would like to think that it will get better after the election but I’m afraid it won’t all be settled with an election.

Speaking of coming together and serving a common goal; Scott and I had the pleasure of providing the host location for our grandson’s first birthday party.  While many of us would prefer to never have to see our ex’s again, reality is that with children and grandchildren, that isn’t always possible.  Working through this team-effort party, I found myself texting back and forth with Scott’s ex and going to her house to pick up things for the party.  It had to be pretty awkward for her too; being at the house that she and Scott built together and seeing all the changes. It’s weird; but it gets better with time. When you see the success that you can achieve when you act as a team it makes it all worthwhile.  It helps that we are all happier with the way it is versus the way it was; so we are all winners. 

Our greatest challenges were not people challenges.  We managed; despite the lawn mower belt coming off right when we needed to mow where the tent was to go, pouring rain when we had scheduled set-up time, and the typical problems you run into when setting up a tent or awning.  No one passed out blowing up the hundred and some balloons either.  Our little man’s first rodeo was a total success.  A very successful collaboration between his parents and the three sets of grandparents.  A party fit for a king.  He won’t remember it but we have plenty of pictures to prove it happened.  The family potluck immediately following was also a hit and by 9:30 p.m. we called it a day; leaving the rest of the clean-up until tomorrow.  Finally, a good day!   Praise the Lord!  Right?  Nope; I realize that my bank has been texting me; my debit card has been hacked.   

After the dust settled on our party day; our remaining six days home were packed with problem solving.  I got a new debit card and thankfully the bank took care of the fraudulent charges.  We got Scott’s truck into the body shop to repair damage done while we were shopping in Home Depot last month.  Fortunately, someone witnessed the employee causing the damage so it was covered.  I closed out three bank accounts we don’t need any more.  We figured out how to get his scripts filled in the U. P. since they can’t be shipped to Canada.  I guess there is a limit on the number of vacations you can go on and still get your prescriptions filled early if you are going to be out of the state or country.  Isn’t that the idea?  To retire and be on vacation all the time?        

I promised myself when I wrote the last post that the next one would be positive and upbeat.  So, I better get this thing turned around fast!  I know my life is something most would envy but we wouldn’t be humans if we didn’t get stuck in the mud at times.   

After squatting with family members at the cabin during their vacation weeks, it was finally time for our two weeks up there.  Scott’s daughter and husband joined us with their senior dog for a very chill week.  She is expecting a little girl in October and I was happy to act as photographer for them for some baby-bump pictures on the beach.  Fishing continued to suck and Scott and I both caught cold AGAIN but it was fun and relaxing. The following week had some friends join us for a great, relaxing time.  Although not everyone was able to make it up this year, we made lots of great memories.  Cooking on the outdoor stove, chilling on the pontoon and story-telling at the bonfire.  Two weeks of ideal weather in the mid to upper 70’s, with a great breeze = perfect.  Heaven on earth!  Even better; I FINALLY caught a fish.  Actually, two very nice fish.  These two whoppers putting me in the top spot for 2024.  Scott caught his first walleye in what he says is 54 years; yet go figure, after returning to camp with the fish supposedly on the stringer, they found that it had released itself.  At least he had a witness and a photo to back up his claim.  Has the worm turned?  I’ll provide an updated fishing report in my next post.

We had a great Labor Day Weekend with multiple activities with friends and family.  This week is also packed with fun things as we take advantage of the extended period of very warm weather.  After a number of failed attempts at stocking my new little backyard fish pond, I think I have done it.  I say think because after creating a really cool environment including multiple hiding places for them, I’m lucky to sneak up on them and catch a swish of a tail of one or two before they hide.  Hopefully over time they will respond to my attempts to feed them.  Particularly now that I have over $200 into the pond and supplies; plus over $40 worth of fish food.  Probably not one of my better ideas.  I should probably just order some rubber goldfish from Amazon and call it finished. 

I woke this morning before daylight; not ideal, but excited because I’m meeting with some girlfriends at a pool.  I guess if September is determined to be a continuation of a hot and dry summer, we might as well make the most of it.  The cleaning lady is coming today so getting up early is a great time to do all the cleaning it takes to prepare our house for the cleaning lady.  Some of you know what I mean and others just wish they knew.  When I worked full-time and owned the store, cleaning my house was something I could never get to.  Now that I have nothing to do, it’s something that I have worked hard for 45 years for and plan to continue.  There’s nothing better than your house smelling clean and fresh and knowing that you didn’t have to do it yourself.  Some people splurge on mani/pedis and I have my house cleaned.  My goal is to always stay in shape to the extent that I will be able to paint my own toenails.  Feeling that my feet are my most notable point of interest on my body; I like to keep them looking good.  If I can keep them looking at my feet; they might not notice my thickening middle!

I might mention that today is also Friday the 13th.  While I don’t like to let this type of thing bother me, the jury is out on today.  While getting ready for his walk, Scott excitedly told me to look out the back window.  There was a skunk, dragging a dead rabbit across the lawn.  Better yet, it dragged it over to the porch and under the hot tub deck.  Who knew that skunks ate rabbits?  If that’s the case, they probably eat rubber fish too.  As much as social media and technology are my nemesis; at least we know where to turn to find out how to eradicate a skunk under the deck.  I smell a story brewing; stay tuned!

You Might Be Retired If…

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You might be retired if you find yourself dashing to the bathroom after your first cup of morning coffee; giving thanks for the fact that you are retired.  I can’t imagine managing the logistics of getting to the restroom – Stat! from a work-in-person day-job.  If you wonder why grandparents are so understanding when their 2.5- year-old grand-daughter insists that she has to go potty so bad that she has to drop trou and do it in the lawn, it’s because they can relate.  If the opportunity presents itself; you must act.  Too much information?  It may be, but the more you know ahead of time, the more prepared you can be when old age starts creeping up on you.  Retirement planning isn’t all about financial planning.

Morning coffee with family is the best on the deck

Speaking of time; tomorrow is Scott’s 2nd post-BMT birthday.  He’s feeling pretty good but tires easily and even two years later; that one week of extreme chemo has done a number on his brain cells.  If I had a dollar for every time I’ve had to say “we already talked about this” I could buy a place in the Caribbean.  I may be retired but I still feel the pressure of being a caregiver.  I’m torn to let this cat out of the bag because I had a lot better attitude when I thought my role was temporary.  By this time, I expected us to be doing all the things we had on our bucket lists and living the dream.  I guess I was dreaming when I thought that things would be easy if we could just make it through that first year. Thankfully our calendar is filled with trips to our Canadian home-away-from-home but we still go to U of M in Ann Arbor every month for his check-ups, and the day-to-day stuff in between seems to be full of challenges. 

Summer continued to feel like a never-ending delivery of lemons or maybe even raw sewage.  In June I reported on a laundry list of problems I was trying to tackle.  The rest of the summer was filled with more of the same. While from an aerial glance we are living the high life of one vacation after another, the real truth is that life remains full of challenges. I hit a roadblock in my adjustment to retirement; my attitude had soured and I was feeling defeated.  I realize that it’s all about perspective and I AM thankful Scott is alive but for the most part well but our life is different than I imagined. Along with all the freedom, retirement means that with so little on your daily plate, things that pop up needing your time and attention always seem to be bad things; problems.  And now you are out of practice with dealing with the daily grind and just want to sit back and relax. Add to that the amount of time you have available to let the news and social media consume your life and warp your sense of reality, retirement can be even more depressing than working!  You might be retired if your schedule seems to revolve around doctor’s appointments, funerals and dealing with the insurance company.  Constant problem solving when you thought that part of your life was over.

Thankfully, my health has remained good but my mind is not what it used to be and my patience has long left the building.  I’ve been trying to do regular exercise and that has resulted in weight gain rather than loss.  Portion control and boredom eating is a problem; every day seems to deliver an excuse to eat and worry about dieting tomorrow.  Based on the amount of hair I find floating everywhere, I’m convinced that I’m losing my hair as well.    My fear of going bald like my grandmother is real.   

Rather than depress you with my all my depths of despair moments; I’ll try and share a few teaching moments instead.  After spending three weeks together at the cabin in May, Scott was able to spend another ten days fishing with the guys in Canada.  After a few days at home, he went back again with his mother and sister in early July.  What should have been a couple of weeks of freedom for me, ended up being a string of disappointments.  One after another, plans with friends fizzled out and I spent the time feeling sorry for myself.  Thankfully I was also anxiously awaiting the birth of our second grandchild.  I was scheduled to care for big sister while mom and dad were at the hospital. Unfortunately, we had all assumed that since baby #1 had come two weeks early, so would her little brother.  When he still wasn’t here on his due date, I cancelled plans for the annual four-day camping/canoe trip with friends slated to start on that Thursday. 

In our youth, we don’t take into consideration that disappointment exists whether you are six, sixty or probably even ninety-six.  Even worse, back then our parents stepped up to smooth out that disappointment; maybe with ice cream or alternate plans.  In adulthood, when real life slaps you in the face, many times no one is there to smooth it over for you.  Sure, I was still very excited to be welcoming a new baby into the family but a string of cancelled plans still stings as much today as it did back in my youth.  In the event that I have any young readers, keep that in mind before blowing off that dinner date with Grandma and Grandpa to go out bar hopping or just stay home glued to your electronic device.  It might be the only thing they had to look forward to for the whole week. 

Once he decided to come, grandbaby #2 came fast.  Thankfully, I was already in the area when the texts started coming in.  They went from “looks like things are starting to happen”, to “come now!”, to a panic filled “where are you at??” in less than 30 minutes.  I was pretty concerned, knowing that my grand would wake in the morning to no mom and dad and Grandma instead.  Surprise! Luckily, she was a champ.  I had a wonderful time bonding with her and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  When your not-yet-three-year-old grandchild asks for your attention and responds with “Grama, …..you’re amazing”; I don’t know if it gets better than that.  My long string of disappointments forgotten.  Life is good again.  Scott returned home late Saturday night, as did I.  I missed him…. until he delivered the news that he had lost his cell phone some where between Canada and home.  Ugh.  I logged in to our account and reported the phone lost.  He’s home for five minutes; and I’m back on duty. 

Short lesson on the phone issue is that whatever you do; don’t get lax and not write down your Apple ID when you change it.  It took over a week, but we (I – of course) managed to have the information sent to me so he could reset his password.  His back-up to the Cloud was only a week old and almost nothing was lost.  Somehow, before the week ended, we had gone from getting him a “pay as you go” old-style flip phone without internet access as punishment for his irresponsibility to us both getting new phones. With insurance.  All that frustration behind us, we were ready to return to the cabin for a few days with Scott’s brothers and mother.

It turns out that vacationing with people outside of your household encompassing three generations requires patience and flexibility.  One generation getting up at dawn while others sleep until noon.  Meals at all times, naps for young and old alike, bedtimes fluctuating.  Always waiting for someone to wake up, go to bed or get ready.  We had a great time but learned that we are very much set in our ways and take our daily peace and quiet for granted.  “Papa Scott” has a way to go before we can start vacationing with our own grandchildren!   

We survived.  The food and fellowship were great but the fishing was not.  Everyone came up thinking that they held the secret to successful fishing only to find they did not.  Another retirement realization; just because you have lots of time for fishing, doesn’t mean they will be biting. According to a google search on bass fishing and casting; it seems that the average bass fisherman (woman 😊) casts 3 times a minute.  Assuming 27 days in the boat this year so far, fishing a minimum of say 3 hours a day, casting at 3 times a minute; it’s conceivable that I cast nearly 15,000 times and still haven’t landed but one baby pike.  Sadly, the men haven’t out-fished me by much.  Some call that crazy; I call it determined, and it’s still better than punching the timeclock.       

One of my largest catches. Thank goodness the scenery is amazing.

What the H?

/ sfosas0211 / 2 Comments
Back when a snow day was warranted

I’m really wondering if I’m looking at the early stages of diminished capacity.  Cancer has left Scott’s memory a little foggy but what has it done to mine?  I’m the same person that held two jobs while raising two kids and held positions in multiple non-profit and community boards.  I managed to navigate the medical and insurance worlds that was my life for the past two years when Scott became sick.  Now I can’t even successfully manage a Sirius XM radio account.  I mean – what the hell?  Is it me or just the world we live in?  We might not be walking uphill two miles to school and back with bread bags in our snow boots but is what we have now any easier? 

One of the perks of maturity (thankfully for us at least) is knowing that we have enough money in our checking accounts to handle automatic obligations and cover our spending.  Gone are the days of keeping an eagle eye on that balance and robbing Peter to pay Paul and keep the bills paid and avoid overdraft fees that seemed to stress me out in my early years of marriage back in the 80’s.  Unfortunately, I had misguidedly decided about 10 years ago that I no longer needed to balance my checkbook.  Now, with so much free time on my hands, I decided that I would track our expenses in Quickbooks.      

The process of entering our 2024 transactions led me to several interesting discoveries.  The subscription to Prime Video that I thought I canceled last fall was still being deducted.  We also discovered that funds were being taken from Scott’s account twice a month from Sirius XM radio.  Long story short, after two attempts, we were STILL paying for the vehicle I sold back in November.  I know, you’re welcome!  Hopefully, the third attempt to remove it is the charm. If I had taken the time to write down the date and time that I had talked to the representative the first time, I could have asked them to review the tapes and prove that I had asked the Traverse to be cancelled back in November.  As consumers, we need to use that “your call is being recorded for training purposes” to our advantage.  Thanks to my friend in customer service for that little tidbit!

As most of you know, I sold my business back in October of 2023.  Ancient history; right?  Wish.  Last week I got a little “love letter” in the mail.  A delinquent tax notice with my name on it for property taxes on the property I no longer owned.  You know that I opened the notice on a Friday after five so I had all weekend to stew about it.  I could go into it but after several phone calls and a trip to the title office, I am washing my hands of it.   Everyone wants to prove to me that it’s not their fault and pass the buck.  More than once I was told that I shouldn’t worry about it; I can’t lose real estate for delinquent taxes when I don’t own the property. Great problem solving!

That’s not all.  After nine months, the State is still processing the transfer of the liquor license.  Now they have decided that I never paid a fee back in 2019; so, the license can’t be transferred until that is paid.  Sure, let me just open up my bottomless pocket book for that too.  Wanting to be sure that the funds make it to the right hands, I asked for payment instructions.  They respond by sending me a credit card payment form and that I can fax the form back or mail it.   I guess writing a check is old school but faxing isn’t?

Regardless of your income or ability, the average citizen is expected to have the minimum of a Smart phone and the ability to scan and email and text.  The medical world operates strictly on-line and I doubt that you can even receive financial aid if you don’t have a way to operate electronically.  At the same time the government is telling us that they only accept fax or snail mail.  Who even has a land line anymore let alone a fax machine?  Seriously.  

I mean even using the phone to handle a problem is becoming archaic.  How many times do you sit on hold waiting for the representative while listening to the recording telling you that if you want better service, you should log on and handle your problem electronically?  Assuming you have gotten that far.  So many times, you get caught in a loop of AI; screaming your option choice with your blood pressure reaching dangerous levels.  Like speaking louder will solve your problems.  How often do we find ourselves needing a drink after just trying to call and conduct business?  You have to be a genius with patience of Job just to survive these days. 

Even my hobbies lead to stress these days.  Being that I enjoy sewing; I decided to look into getting a commercial style machine so I can do some projects without having to pay an expert.  Maybe recover that ugly old couch in the basement that we can’t seem to part with.  I started shopping on Marketplace and found a good old machine in Indiana listed by a sweet old lady that was so anxious to sell that she was even going to teach me how to use it.  Luckily, I didn’t have access to a pick-up truck.  Today the same machine picture is used on a listing in Battle Creek by a different seller.  Who knows what would have happened to me if I had gone to look at it alone.  Damn scammers! 

Speaking of.  Don’t you just feel all warm and fuzzy every time you get that friend request from the superhot retired service man who has been recently widowed and is looking to be your friend because he loves the review you posted three years ago for the local burger joint?  Seriously?  Impersonating a service person is unforgiveable.  Losers!! I’m tempted to waste their time and lead them on.  Tell them that I have millions in the bank and that I’m just looking for sex.  Sounds like fun but I’m pretty sure some how they would somehow manage to gain my personal information and I would end up the loser. 

Scott & I might need to pack up and join the Mountain Men.  See if Eustace wants to sell us off a little parcel.  Live off the land; I can make our clothes and Scott can grow our food.  No computers or televisions to fill my head with garbage.  No politics.  Just fresh air and nature.  Unfortunately, that life style likely comes with bugs and mice; and no air conditioning.  That won’t work for this fluffy aging woman either. 

I’m pretty sure that it’s the hot and humid weather that is causing my sour mood.   Maybe it’s retirement jitters.  Not having your life operate at 90 miles an hour makes you feel like you are just sitting around waiting for the next problem to raise its ugly head.  Let’s do lunch has a whole new meaning when all your friends are over an hour away. And even if you have all the time in the world, it doesn’t mean that others do.  Maybe feeling this way is normal for people after they have lived through life altering events.  Normal life is just boring after the shit storm is over.

Flashback to when !*&% was simple

Since I obviously don’t have the patience to return to the work force, I guess I will have to ask Meta AI how to cope.  Reminding me; the other day Scott and I were talking about the 5 Love Languages.  Ok, yes, I was talking at him about the 5 Love Languages; refreshing his memory.  Sure enough, the next time I was on Facebook, I had something in my feed referring to them.  Scary. 

There’s plenty more of the same but I’ve exceeded my word limit for the day.  Don’t feel sorry for me.  I’ve made it to 60 without medication; I’ll get through it.  Let this be the distraction you needed from your own problems.  Know that the lives of your seemingly perfect Facebook friends aren’t perfect either.  Laugh.  Like everything before it, it will pass.  Things will work out; it’s just another chapter in What Doesn’t Kill You Girl Makes You Stronger!   

Closing the Door on 2023

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As another year comes to a close, I think it’s only natural to look at your life and figure out what you want to do differently next year.  Review what you accomplished and think about what the future brings.  It blows my mind to think that two workaholics have seemingly achieved happiness despite having nothing to do.  Pretty amazing what a brush with death can do.  Add to that; a case of COVID and two months later, still neither of us are feeling any too ambitious.  We started to feel better and headed to the Bahamas for a week after Thanksgiving Day.  I must say that if you can, you should.  It was the perfect time to get away for a little sun therapy; right before the busy holiday season. 

The vacation shirt has now been to the Bahamas!

We returned and I started my Christmas decorating.  That led to some minor redecorating in the living room to freshen things up a little.  Fearing I would miss cooking for hundreds of people like I have for the past six years, we did a little dinner party for Scott’s siblings and a few neighbors.  It was a real mix-up of age and personalities and it was great to see everyone mingling and in some cases reconnecting. 

Having sold our business, it was important to send things over to the accountant for some tax planning and also meet with our financial advisor.  I still can’t believe that I am retired and that we should be able to sustain our desired life style until we turn 90 without depending on our children for financial help.  Conversely, we are not looking to hand them large sums of money at our death.  I say this not to brag but to encourage.  I didn’t have the funds or opportunity to save for retirement before the age of 30 and both Scott and I took considerable financial hits when divorcing at 50ish.  Yet by working hard and saving, we are in a position to do what we want to do for the remainder of our days and we were able to weather the storm of cancer.  Someone once told me; watch your pennies and the dollars will follow and I think this is sage advice. 

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

After 30 years of working with people on their finances, I can’t help but offer some unsolicited financial advice.  I encourage you all to set a goal for 2024.  First, follow Dave Ramsey’s advice and make sure you have put away 3-6 months of expenses in your emergency fund.  Then, choose a single item on your bucket list and figure out what it will take to do it.  Maybe it’s something that you can’t manage in 2024 but you can research and start saving for.  I think it was almost 20 years ago that my friends started taking annual vacations to Mexico.  I had school age children at the time so something like that seemed impossible.  Still, it was something I really wanted so I had to figure out how to make it happen.  At my next pay increase, I sent that increase to my new vacation fund.  I didn’t miss the money because I never had it.  I think it took 3 years to save for that first all-inclusive vacation.  When we returned, I immediately upped that draw to the vacation fund so we could go every other year.  You get the picture; make a plan and make it happen!   One thing for sure; if you don’t plan it, it won’t happen. 

Speaking of money, we (ok I) decided that I wasn’t going to run around spending money on things that I thought the kids would like. No matter the time and effort put into these purchases; reality is these items were likely going home to sit in a closet or be instantly put in the Goodwill box.  To fill the time usually spent oohing and awing over such gifts, Scott and I created some fun games and this year we launched the first annual Christmas Olympics.  Games included Christmas song trivia, a shooting game, family feud, ring toss and whiffle ball toss.  Money typically used for the useless gifts, was used to fund prizes for the games.  Overall, I’m happy with how it went and we already have ideas for next year’s games.

Like so many, our greatest source of pride is our children.  What makes it even better is knowing that we can have Christmas with all our kids at the same time and they enjoy each other’s company.  Seeing all four adult children and their spouses sharing laughs together is priceless.  Now adding to that are the grandchildren.  My son’s daughter is a little more than two years old and she was quite the entertainer this year.  Announcing with each gift she received that she needed a knife to open the box.  I’m currently in the market for a plastic pocket knife; but like Scott said, she won’t be happy with anything less than the real thing.  Like all grandparents, I’m pretty sure she is much smarter than her peers.  They also announced that she will be graduating to big sister next year so we have that to look forward to.  At almost five months, Scott’s son’s little man just sat around smiling and looking cute in between feedings.  I think it’s safe to say that everyone had a great time and certainly no one left hungry.  I still can’t believe that while we took individual pictures, we didn’t remember to take a group photo.  Unfortunately, I think that would have been as successful as herding cats at the time.    

The Christmas long weekend included several stops and seemed like one never-ending feeding frenzy.  As we work our way through all the remaining goodies; cookies, Chex Mix, both purchased and home-made caramel corn and chocolates, the panic sets in.  Eventually this needs to stop.  Reading my mind, my Facebook feed is full of ads for the newest Keto weight loss gummies.  Waking with nothing on the docket again today, I decide to look into the claims of all these no effort weight loss options.  I need to find out, did Pfizer really develop this new miracle drug that was brought to life on Shark Tank and seemingly endorsed by so many, including superstar Kelly Clarkson?

Despite every third item in my Facebook feed being an ad or article about these amazing new gummies, nothing on YouTube or Google verifies that any of it is true.  I watched the episode of the Today Show where she supposedly came out about her weight loss secrets; only to learn that she never mentioned how she lost the weight and clearly never credited the Keto gummies.  Most clips about Kelly Clarkson related to weight loss are from five years ago.  I found nothing to verify that they were discovered on Shark Tank either.   I did find a few episodes of Dr. Oz that talk about weight loss but none promote these miracle Keto gummies. 

Was my research a total waste of time?  Time will tell.  It did lead me to some weight management tools that I’m willing to check out but more importantly reminded me that social media is such a dangerous thing.  Whether we are lured into on-line games that either suck our time or money, or believing that people are living the dream lives they like to post on social media; we need to make sure we are keeping all this in perspective.  I found little to no truth to the claims I was being bomb-barded with on Facebook; showing just how easy it is to manipulate information.  Very few people have the time or inclination to step back and do a little fact checking.   Sadly, so many sit glued to their phones, believing what they read and feeling like they are failing in comparison. 

Scott & I with the Grands; 493 days post stem cell transplant

Rather than trying to keep up with the Jones’s; focus on what is most important to you.  As I look back over the past few weeks, I find pleasure in thinking about the opportunities Scott and I gave to others to enjoy food and fellowship.  The amount of laughter shared with our good friends.  My greatest gift was a hand-written letter written from my son.  These are the memories I will take with me into the next year.  One of the greatest advantages of retirement is being able to choose who you spend time with and greatly limiting the amount of time you have to spend with toxic people.   I’m excited to know that I’m starting 2024 spending a week in January with a great group of ladies in a beautiful place.  I’m sure there will be a lot of laughter and story-telling.  It feels pretty good to be know that my schedule will allow time for things that I have always wanted to do; even if I don’t yet know what they are.

Post COVID

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As I reported a couple weeks ago, full retirement started with both Scott and I having COVID.  For us, COVID was body aches and a total exhaustion.  God’s way of changing my pace for the coming years.  I’ve done almost nothing for weeks and I’m ok with it.  I might even be able to get used to it.  Week four and I am recovered but Scott is still having some nasal congestion.  The doctor gave him an anti-biotic Monday just for good measure.  Never wanting to share our germs, I don’t think we’ve kissed in almost a month.  I know most of you don’t want to hear about it, but even at our age, I think we all need that kiss from our partners to keep that little pep in our step.  Maybe tomorrow!

Me and My Golden Bachelor

All this down time led to some observations.  First let me say that I’ve been trying to tell you.  It’s no surprise to me that the first Golden Bachelor is such a hit.  I’m disappointed that they seem to have found him 22 aged swim suit models.  Well, actually I think there were 21 – I remember one lady wore a jogging suit and she was gone on night one.  But reality is that as a society we are so vain that they had to have eliminated thousands of applicants that were “fluffy”.   I don’t see anyone in my daily travels in my small town that look like any of those mature yet beautiful ladies.  Keep in mind, Gerry lives in what I think is rural Indiana so access to Botox maintenance might be tricky to find. Yet who knows, the Amish might have an herbal therapy for that for all I know.  I wish him the best with whomever he chooses.  It was pretty funny when at least a couple of them admitted to having gas at least; and one actually was pretty proud of herself.  She’s got my vote for the 1st Golden Bachelorette. 

I love how host Jessie seems to be so amazed to see and learn all about mature love.  While I don’t feel like the women are a fair sampling of the aging ladies out here in the real world, I do love that they were mostly kind to each other.  Even the resident “mean girl/lady” was fairly diplomatic about her complaints.  The feelings that they all expressed are so much like I felt when I was able to find the love of my life in my “advanced” years.  While I tried to get that information out via my blog, I’m glad that they were willing to do that show and spread the word that there is hope for love and happiness later in life. 

It’s rare that we aren’t watching TV, browsing our i-pads or working on the computer. Complete waste of time.

Secondly, retirement has inforced what I already knew. That social media is a total waste of time and truly an addiction.  I don’t even want to know the number of hours that I’ve spent the last month on Facebook, YouTube and games on my computer.   I know that my Facebook feed will be nothing but advertisements and repeatedly-shared quotes but yet I can’t stop myself from going back to see what’s new.  Scott is actually no better and who would have guessed that he would end up addicted to Facebook.  We may eventually need to hold a YouTube intervention for him. Luckily, so far, he has been able to learn a lot of useful skills that have expanded his woodworking abilities and he’s turning into quite the mechanic.  I’ll keep you posted if I end up needing help on that one.

Thirdly, I feel like it’s been months since either of us have had a good night’s sleep. I’m beginning to wonder if aging makes this an impossible feat.  Between congestion, snoring and Scott’s secret desire to be a Kung Fu fighter, sleeping is near impossible.  My mild manner husband seems to find himself always in the middle of a confrontation including shouting and fighting – all in the middle of the night in his sleep.  So, after trying every trick in the book, I might finally fall asleep around 2 a.m.  Only to be suddenly awakened by a smack in the head, or a swift kick to the shins.  Try relaxing and falling asleep after that happens!  Funny – but not funny; scared to death to end up with a broken nose in the middle of the night I hug the edge of the bed, with my back to him.  Ugh!  We are hoping it’s medication related but who knows.  All this leaving us in a dilemma; I can’t sleep with him and he claims he can’t sleep without me.  What to do!    

This week we are reminded that life has a way of calling the shots – ready or not.  Last weekend our neighbor fell, hit his head, had a heart attack and died.  He and his wife were living the second time around dream when it came crashing down; literally.  So sad.  Then Monday, we went to Scott’s appointments at Ann Arbor and were able to spend some time with a former customer and friend from Sunfield.  He and his bride are yet another example of finding love later in life when you didn’t see it coming.  Once they found each other, it was seemed so obvious and we all wondered – why didn’t someone see this a long time ago?  In the same way that they were able to find love together, she was taken from him Tuesday night after a rather short illness.  Continued evidence that we just need to live life to its fullest each day.  Not that we should throw financially responsibility to the wind, but there’s a lot of times you just need to take the plunge and book that bucket list vacation or make that phone call to the friend or family member you always mean to reach out to.   

Conversely, retirement has its perks.  I’ve already gotten my turkey and stuffing purchased so I’m way ahead of the game.  Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday and I love cooking all the staples that go with the celebration.  I’m looking forward to taking a picture of Scott carving the turkey and seeing how much better he looks than last year at this time.  We booked a spur of the moment trip to the Bahamas. 

We’re working on a date for Christmas with the kids which is a process.  When you have a blended family consisting of four married adult children with in-laws and company parties to work around.  I’m excited to be able to focus on our meal for ten adults now that catering is out of the picture.  No more planning Christmas meals for hundreds of people and all the shopping, planning and stress that goes with that.   Five years of that was enough.  I’m enjoying using my culinary skills on Scott and the family.  Today my house smells like garlic and onions as I made everything bagels with the help of my bread machine. 

I can’t believe how easy it is to make your own bagels with the help of your bread maker.

Tonight, we’re heading to Shipsie for country/rock concert.   Friday night we are hopefully FINALLY attending Silver Bells in Lansing.  A Christmas parade and the lighting of the tree at the State capital; something I have been wanting to attend for a few years now but we were always working.  Going into the holidays with more fun things on the calendar than doctors’ appointments is a pleasant change.  Now that we are feeling better, we will have to pace ourselves on eating out by coming up with a reasonable weekly budget for our meals out.  With us no longer eating most our meals out of take-out containers from the store, it’s a constant battle.  It seems like the dishwasher is always full; are they clean or dirty?  I can’t help but think of that corny advertisement where the old couple talks about doing it every night and groan.  Still as I load the dishwasher and hit the time delay button again, I can’t help but think it is seeing a lot more action than I am.   Sorry – as Kathy would say, I just need to ZIP IT!  Have a blessed week!

Exit Stage Right..

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For those who have been following my stories, you know that my road to retirement has been a long one.  I’ve had more retirements than some people have jobs.  Back in 2014, leaving not only left a lucrative career as an ag loan officer after 20 years but packing up and moving to Southwest Michigan to begin a new life with a new last name.   The future was full of hearts and rainbows and happily ever-after.

Fast forward to August 1, 2022; when I left my job at Dairy Farmers of America after only six years of service.   We had been given the green light to retire by our financial advisor the year before but it didn’t seem right at the time.  I wasn’t ready.  However, less than a year later I found myself leaving a career I was very competent at to learn more about the medical field than I had cared to.  Ten days after retiring, Scott and I moved into U of M for his stem cell transplant; hoping to put this rare form of blood cancer behind us once and for all.      

Last year at this time we were hanging out at our home away from home after weeks in the hospital.

By May of 2023, and over $1 million dollars’ worth of medical treatments later; Scott was feeling very good.  We decided that our desire to spend time together was more important than the rare moments of bliss resulting from owning my own business.  The prospect of change in our little village led to quite a buzz and allowed the store to basically sell itself in a matter of days.  Would the new owners continue to make fried chicken?  Everyone wanted to be guaranteed that everything would stay the same.  I’ll admit that while I was anxious to see it go, selling it caused a different kind of anxious.  Knowing that I had continued the most the traditions that John had built in his 32 years of ownership meant that we had maintained consistent product offerings for nearly 40 years and with that came pressure.

Despite heartfelt attempts to convince me that they were the right people for the job, my apprehension was getting the best of me.  Would the new owners really keep things the same?  Attempts to communicate with the buyers throughout the process were squashed by the realtor.   After months of not daring to get excited about the end being in sight; we went from having a notice of approval to a closing in nine days; well technically, eight and a half days.  We fried chicken right to the end; the real estate closing was at 2 p.m. and my staff served customers until 2 p.m.  The new owners moved in “over-night” and opened the next morning.  I had agreed to help with the transition for four weeks, but it was clear very early on that my help wasn’t necessary.  Rather than training and providing guidance, I spent my final three weeks as an over-paid dish washer.  I’m not proud of it, but I chose to head for the hills rather than fulfill the last week of my commitment. Certainly not the first person to leave a job feeling irrelevant nor the last.

Hard as I tried, my newly given mantra of “Not My Problem” wasn’t sinking in and I’m not sure when it will.  Having been with us through Scott’s illness, our customers and employees will always hold a special place in our hearts.  It will take more than a few days to let go of all the plans that never came to fruition there.   Time marches on and change happens. We roll with it or get rolled over.      

For what I swear was my last retirement celebration, Tal and Cindy stepped up again and hosted in Tal’s new party barn.    Friday night.  The weather wasn’t great but the company was.  I actually returned home the next day to put in another four hours at the store; my last day on the schedule.  I left that day like any other, eager to go to the concert we had been planning on seeing for a few months.  Come Sunday morning we would be headed to Batchawana to begin our lives in full retirement.  Whoop! Whoop! 

We headed out Sunday morning as planned.  All packed into Scott’s new ride.  Ready and excited to begin our first of many adventures in our newly unencumbered lives.  Despite the off and on rain, the drive was beautiful.  I’m not sure if fall colors get better with age or if we just appreciate them more each year, but this fall; they have been absolutely stunning.  We pull into the drive; and what to our wondering eyes should appear, but a tree down across the drive.  In a near sacrilegious move, Scott didn’t bring a chainsaw.  Nothing was going to dampen our moods.  We backed up and hit the road, headed to Wayne’s house in search of a chainsaw.  Thankfully, he and Mary were home and we grabbed the saw and headed back; anxious to get back and unpacked before darkness hit. 

Dawn breaks on Monday and Scott is up before the sun.  So was I; but thankfully that was after 8 a.m.  We placed the new liquor cabinet and tackled a couple burn projects.  By mid-afternoon, Scott was developing a headache.  We figured that wasn’t all that shocking with the wood stove in the cabin and all the smoke from the clean-up.  Maybe we need a carbon monoxide detector in there?   What did we bring for drugs?  Well, he packed all his own pills and I grabbed an old bottle of Dayquil on the way out the door but I hadn’t planned on us getting sick.  That really wasn’t exactly part of my retirement fantasy. 

So, as he sleeps his way through the supper hours, I begin to worry and start pouting.  Why can’t we have even a full day of rest, relaxation and happiness before reality smacks us in the face again.  I don’t think about all the great things in our life; our families and friends.  Our financial security.  I can only see the unfairness of the situation at hand.  I know I’ll be next; I just don’t know when.

After barely any time awake Tuesday and Wednesday he felt good enough to help pack and load on Thursday morning so we took the opportunity and left for home.  Mid-way home, it was clear I was developing the same symptoms and it was only a matter of time before this plague had its way with me too.   Sure as shit, my first free Saturday in six years found me testing positive for COVID.  It’s a little difficult to focus on being glad it waited until I had some free time.   

So, as I sat wallowing in my own self-pity, I started to feel a strange sensation in my nose and throat.   Yup, you guessed it – I was losing my taste and smell.  You would think that would make someone not want to eat.  Not me, I had to try everything just to see if I could taste it.  All the delicacies we brought back from our journey. Extremely burnt cinnamin raisen toast that I would never eat in a million yeras if it weren’t for the sake of science. Spicy, hot chili and creamy pumpkin whoopie pies.  Fresh squeezed apple cider and crispy fall apples.  The textures and temperatures were tantilizing but I was getting nothing on the flavor side.   I know some might want to disagree but I think this was my message from God.    A gentle reminder of what else he could take from me.  That this is only temporary and it could be so much worse.  To put on my big girl panties and suck it up.  Sit back and relax for just a few days. He still has many great things still planned for me; I just have to be patient.  Rome wasn’t built in a day and this is only week one of the rest of my life.

Awanabatch

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Scott and I just made our fourth trip to the family cabin, lovingly referred to as “Awanabatch”.  This trip included Scott and his cousin replacing a deck for a family friend so that gave me some time to kill.  I like to daydream about writing my first best-selling novel from here.  Much like all the books I read about the Eastern shores, the view from my window is picturesque.  I imagine myself in a string bikini, sitting in an Adirondack chair in the sand with the waves lapping on the shore with my writing tablet on my lap.  I’m about 30 years old, tall, thin, with a mane of shiny long blond hair.  Instead, I am sitting at the kitchen table teetering on the edge of both my chair and fifty-nine and a half; drinking coffee in my pajamas, leggings and a flannel shirt.  Accessorized with my reading glasses perched mid-way down my nose.  My grey hair pulled back in a pony tail.  Waiting for my morning coffee to do its magic.  The sights and sounds of the Lake are the only reality.  But a girl can dream. 

Purchased by Scott’s grandfather in 1935 the compound has break-taking views and near-century old family memories.  A perfect place to unplug and enjoy the peace and quiet.  For those of us that can’t enjoy sitting still, there are always a ton of maintenance projects available to pass the time.  The second cabin on the property was the dream of Uncle Henry and I think he would be pleased at what is finally almost finished.  Many hours will be spent looking out at Lake Superior and daydreaming from the kitchen table.   

Along with the work on the “new” cabin, we’ve been working on preserving the history of the original cabin.  A major kitchen renovation is needed but even with its inconvenient features and worn-out amenities, it’s still the preferred meal spot.  The walls are decorated with childhood artwork from Scott’s generation; recently preserved by laminating.  The dining room table can sit about 14 uncomfortably.  Sit down suppers are tradition here, regardless of how little elbow room you have.  Family dogs find themselves under the table, anxiously awaiting table scraps.  Zeus usually found this a good time to claim the living room couch as all his. 

The first addition to the original cabin was built for accommodating guests.  Scott’s mom remembers her parents having dances in that room when it was first built.  Now that room has been relocated and serves as the laundry and bath house.  Replaced by a bigger and better version in the nineties, it now doubles as another bedroom or a place for board games or cards.  I look forward to the day we share the time with friends and maybe dance there ourselves.  George the stuffed moose guards the original living room.  From the cathedral ceiling, model airplanes hang.  A favorite rainy-day past-time of years gone by.  There are shelves and shelves of books and with our family, it’s nothing to see everyone in the main room with the fireplace roaring and everyone with their noses buried in a book with a steaming cup of coffee next to them. 

We have a no television policy here.  Occasionally we have radio service but some times we just break out the old CD’s or records and fire up the record player.  Days begin with coffee and bacon and Batchawana fries.  Like his dad before him, Scott loves making breakfast for the family.  Staples are housed in the tin lined closet.  A place where paper products and perishable food items are safe from sampling.  Mice and bats have been known to try and join the party.  

Plans for a romantic beach fire were foiled by a band of ATV’s crossing the property at dark. As it turned out, they were setting up for the fireworks show that was post-poned from the 4th of July. Bonus for me since I love fireworks, but a heads up would have been preferred.

Guests are free to wander the beaches and wooded areas.  Kids anxiously await permission to play on the rope swing.  Those that dare can swing out from the roof of the dilapidated old boat house.  Fishing from the shore of the river has been very successful in the last couple years.  It’s nothing to pull in an eighteen-inch, five-pound bass right from the dock.  They had some heavy rains the day we got here so fishing has yet to be successful on this trip. There are pontoon rides to the party spot where the river narrows to a point that boats can’t pass through.  It’s a great place for fishing or treasure hunting for fellow rock hounds. 

I would be remiss to not mention the “nudies”.  For as long as we can remember, the property across the river has been owned by those we lovingly refer to as the nudies.   They enjoy using their sauna then running to cool themselves off in the river – buck naked.  In recent years, the matriarch of that property has gotten a little over-protective and is known to try to discourage us from fishing near his property by either running around naked and making obscene gestures or taking his boat and doing circles around our boat to ruin the fishing.  

We’ve gotten the journey here down to about seven hours.  Every time we are thinking about how crazy it must have been for his grandfather to have made this trip; let alone even find this property.  An attorney in Rochester, he set out in search of a place to escape his severe allergies.  Born in 1878, he would have been about 54 when he purchased the former logging camp.  Back then the road ended not much past the Batchawana River and getting this far required taking the ferry because neither the Mackinaw or International bridges were even constructed yet.  We can only imagine what that would have been like and how long a trip would have taken back then.   

It’s only been in the last year that we have finally gotten regular cell service at the property.  Internet is available on your phone but we don’t have Wi-Fi.  In 1935, Scott’s grandfather some how managed a law practice from here without cell or internet.  Scott remembers the days when in order for them to call home, they needed to go across the river and use the payphone at the old grocery store.  Making trips up here each summer in the family woody wagon.  Excluding the two years during COVID where Americans were not allowed in Canada, even if they owned property; Scott’s mom has only missed coming up here for a couple years in her entire life. 

A trip to the area would not be complete without a run up to the Canadian Carver and the Voyager.   Landmarks for this area.  Purchasing our fishing licenses at the Carver.  Perusing the large souvenir shop full of treasures for the tourists before treating everyone to ice cream cones.  Scott and Cam getting their favorite Tiger Tail ice cream.  An orange sherbet with ribbons of black licorice; available only in Canada.  Heading back after picking up a few of the world-famous apple fritters from the Voyager.   And no trip is complete without a visit to or from Wayne and Mary; dear family friends.   Complete with cocktails on the deck over-looking the river; catching up and comparing notes.     

When Scott and I first started dating, he made it clear that unless I had a love for this property, a future together was unlikely.  Luckily, from my first visit here in 2012, I have been looking forward to spending more and more time here.  So much so, that Scott and I were considering investing our store proceeds in a property with water accessible to this property.  That was until we found that Canada has a hold on outsiders purchasing property in their Country.  Putting that dream on hold. 

It doesn’t resemble an all-inclusive tropical resort but it’s heaven for us.  Those lacking a tolerance of occasional rodents or critters need not make the trip.  If you are looking for calm and relaxing walks on the beach or tossing a line in the water dreaming of that next big catch, we have a place fitting that bill.  Just make sure you stop at the duty-free and/or bring your own drink of choice because the liquor cabinet is empty and I’m not sharing any more.        

Where Do We Go from Here?

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This week marks what will be Scott’s first birthday – August 17th – one year since his life-saving stem cell transplant.  Followed by six weeks of living at C S Mott Children’s Hospital.  Living in a series of home-away-from-home locations; in a bubble with social media as our communicator to the outside world. 

Scott at his 1-yr appointment with Kari on Monday. She’s a special lady!

So many people reached out to us over the past year that we can’t begin to thank everyone for all their thoughts and prayers and gifts of support.   Just know it was all appreciated and kept us going.  Scott is so thankful for being free from pain.  The after-care at U of M has been awesome; we love the Nurse Practitioner assigned to him.  Kari does a great job.  He still takes 12 pills a day but that’s down drastically from 40.  Luckily his stomach handles it without issue. 

On the other hand, I’m still holding on to my goal of making it to 60 without taking any prescription medications.  I had to break down and pick up Omeprazole from Sam’s on Friday.  Heartburn is burning holes in my sails lately.  If I wasn’t so cheap, I would invest in some Prevagen too, since the last year or so has really taken a toll on my memory.  I think they should do a study; not only is cancer brain real, I think it spreads to the care giver too!

I recently had Classic Vinyl tuned into my delivery van and I was taken back by a song that I haven’t heard in years.  Alan Parsons Project, “Games People Play” really spoke to me that day.  My research shows that it peaked at #16 in March of 1981 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart.  Back when my biggest worry was probably finding prom dress or something critical like that.  Long before I could even dream of growing old.  Now I feel like it’s my anthem.  “Where do we go from here, now that all of the children are growin’ up?  And how do we spend our lives, if there’s no one to lend us a hand?  I don’t wanna live here no more, I don’t wanna stay.  Ain’t gonna spend the rest of my life quietly fading away.” Funny how a song that meant little to nothing to me 40 some years ago pretty sums up my current state of affairs. 

Where do we go from here?  Post-cancer and entering retirement.  Scott’s path has been laid out for him; like it or not.  No more farming and limited contact with plants and soils for the rest of his life.  Yet he’s so thankful to be feeling good that he’s adjusting very well.  Things look so different than what we imagined; while some doors have closed, many are yet to be opened.  When I met him, we both knew it meant living on or near the farm forever.  Yet now, does it?

Now that all of the children are growin’ up – we have four amazing kids that have found their life partners and are beginning their lives together.  We just welcomed our first grandson into the world and are so excited to be able to watch him grow.  Between COVID and Ann Arbor, our little River (now almost two) has grown so fast and we have missed much more than we would have liked.  The joy of having a new baby also reminds us of baby Rose that we never got the chance to know.  Saturday we were blessed to be able to have Scott’s mom and kids here for the afternoon to take turns loving on the new little one. 

Celebrating family time – Me, Scott’s daughter, Scott & baby Caden, Scott’s son and wife -the new parents.

And how do we spend our lives? They say that when you’re retired you wonder how you had time to work.  I hope that’s true because you know I can’t sit still and Scott isn’t much better.  He is loving his time in the pole barn with his wood crafts and just socializing one on one.  Knowing I won’t be able to give up Quickbooks cold turkey, I’ve agreed to help with the farm books.   After forty years of posting and reconciling; I am not ready to give up crunching numbers.  It will require figuring out the on-line version, it will be a good for me to keep evolving with the times, albeit begrudgingly.  If that’s not enough to keep me busy, I already have leads on two jobs I might like on a part-time basis.    

If there’s no one to lend us a hand?  This one might be the only line that doesn’t hold true. I think any small farm town you live in there are people that will lend you a hand.  While Scott and his siblings don’t all chat on a daily basis or anything they are sure to rally when one of them is in need or time of crisis.  Not to mention our neighbors that have done so much to help us over the last year.  Around here, they really do take care of their own. 

Once the store is sold, maybe I don’t wanna live here no more.  Will we eventually want to be closer to our grandchildren so we can attend all their activities?  Move closer to all our friends and enjoy golf and pool parties and potlucks?  Live on a lake?  It feels like every weekend we are driving over an hour to take part in birthday parties and celebrations.  That kinda takes the fun out of it.  I don’t want to stay in a town where I don’t have close friends and don’t feel like I have people near me that can meet up for lunch or an impromptu outing.  It’s really not enough that everyone is kind and friendly and the neighbors are helpful if you don’t feel close to anyone.    

Ain’t gonna spend the rest of my life quietly fading away.  It goes without saying if you know me at all.  I can’t wait to see what opportunities present themselves once I have the store behind me.  I trust that something meaningful and rewarding will find its way to me.  We have a healthy bucket list but there will be times where daily life is all that’s on the agenda; and what will that look like?  I might not even want to commit to part-time work if it means I have to keep a regular schedule.   Whatever it is, it will have to be rewarding.  After more than 30 years of helping people in a professional setting, it’s hard to give up.  Even the store has been about helping people, just in a different way.  Not to mention a year of taking care of my cowboy. 

I watched the movie with Tom Hanks called “Otto” the other night.  It was a little depressing and very predictable but was the story of a man who had lost his spouse and then was forced into retirement.  He literally didn’t want to stay; not only in the home that he had shared with the love of his life but “here”.  I’m afraid that probably happens more than we want to know.

While neither of us ever expected to retire at all, let alone early, it seems to be God’s plan for us.  We impatiently wait for word that the buyer’s financing for the store is fully secured and a closing is being scheduled.  Keeping things going while we wait is very stressful but nothing compares to what we were dealing with a year ago.  Time certainly has a way of healing.  Not just our bodies, but our minds.  Allowing us to look back and think that even the worst of times weren’t all that bad now that they are in the rear-view mirror.    

It turns out that this same song was part of the album “The Turn of a Friendly Card”.  I’m going to think of that as just another sign that after the rough patch that we’ve had that we are moving into a new improved phase where we will make the best of the hand we are dealt.   Check out the symphonic version of that song on YouTube – it’s pretty awesome!

Feeling 17 Again

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After sharing my last update my feed was pretty quiet.  I always wonder and worry; did I offend someone with my honest approach to our life changing situation?  Still, I continue to feel that honesty is the best policy.  Tell it like it is rather than sugar coat things for social media.  Too many people like to make others feel like their life is story book perfect but that’s not me.  That being said, I think it’s only right to share another story that happened the same day as my last report. While the day was pretty heavy with frustrations and apprehension, it ended perfectly. This story almost too good to be true in comparison but as real as the other. That’s what real life is; a rollercoaster of emotions.  Learning to best navigate the ride of the day.   

Managing a whole afternoon and evening of relaxation was not coming without some type of assistance.  After finding the right tools for the job, I was feeling pretty good and eventually wandered back to the pole barn to check in on my man.  By then he was cleaning up and decidedly hungry.  We discussed our options and decided on a cruise for dinner.  Owning three classic vehicles, dinner out means not only deciding where we want to go but what to drive and which one best matches the mood of the evening. 

Stopping at the local Shell station to fuel up the 1992 Jeep chosen for our cruise for vittles, we got gas and washed the windshield, inside and out.  We stopped at the local greasy spoon for burgers and beers on the patio over-looking a seemingly quiet river for this warm mid-summer night.  With full bellies and feeling totally relaxed; we jumped back in the Jeep to marvel over that clean windshield.  One that was now almost non-existent and in my relaxed state of mind was like an incredible open window to the past.  

Back to a time when Scott was likely cruising these very same back roads with his girl.  In a like universe miles from here, I was doing the same with my boyfriend in his classic Chevrolet.  Watching and identifying the deer and waiting for night to fall; anticipating the pleasures that the darkness would bring.  Reminiscing about great memories of our youth but more importantly, here today and feeling those same feelings of excitement of being together.  Laughing at my imagination, enjoying each other’s company and feeling young again. 

There is an over-whelming comfort in realizing that I enjoy that same things I did forty some years ago and knowing that he loves the same things.  The sounds and smells of grazing livestock.  Feeling the changes in temperature and humidity on a warm summer night when passing through the shaded or wet areas near lakes or swamps.  The smell of growing corn, fresh cut hay, or straw from the recently harvested wheat fields.   Watching as deer munch on juicy, green soybean leaves.  Trying to determine whether the group is all does with young ones while looking for and hoping to see signs of the growing antlers on the male deer; all fuzzy in the velvet stage.  Spotting a trophy buck.

Teenage dreams fulfilled.  I have a man that adores me and I can see it in his eyes when we are nose to nose or side by side in our beat-up old Jeep.  That silly smile that makes me feel like a love-struck teenager.  Those not-so-subtle hints that let me know I’ll get lucky tonight.  Nights like tonight remind me that life is good.

Luckily, by nightfall we had a comfortable home to go and relax in.   No cops knocking on the fogged-up car window.  Not only did that clean windshield provide a window to our youth, but also to 2022.  Back to last summer when we were making final preparations to spend the rest of the summer in the hospital.  Only about ten days away from his bone marrow transplant that we hoped would save him from the pain and suffering he had endured for the past months.  Now discussing plans for our future, both post-BMT and post-work and business ownership.  Realizing that we have so many options that many don’t have.  Most we didn’t dare dream about a year ago.      

Tonight’s date continued with an episode of Bosch Legacy and ice cream with chocolate syrup and maraschino cherries on top.   From there, reading in our adjustable bed.  Will it end there?  Of course, it will; we’re a couple of old farts. Or… are we still just seventeen; like we feel.  Enjoying most of the same things and still trying to figure out what to do with the rest of our lives. 

Retirement – Right Foot in and Left Foot out

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Fueled with a little attitude adjustment this past weekend, I felt the writing bug feeding me a story or two; something I feared I might never feel again.  So many thoughts and ideas flooded my mind; most of them evaporated by the time we finished our joy ride but I’ll do my best to pass along a few updates.     

A year after leaving my full-time job as an ag loan officer, I’m still far from being retired.  Owning a small store/restaurant like I have is more than a full-time job in itself.  Scott’s feeling much better these days and we recently enjoyed ten days away, a visit to the annual canoe trip in Lake City and then a week at the family cabin in Canada.  Scott’s son joined us without his wife as she is expecting in August.  Smart man; decided to do his “Baby Moon” single.  Scott’s daughter and husband came with their four-legged child and we came with only memories of our wonder dog Zeus.  I haven’t written since losing him, but not a day goes by that we don’t think of our big lovable Boxer. 

Other than a 2-4 mile hike up a mountain/hill on a mosquito infested trail, it was a pretty chill trip.  The length of the trip varies by who you ask and when.  I sucked it up and made it; figuring if Scott could then I could too.  I’m pretty sure that was the same thing that kept Scott going too; only in reverse.  Fishing was great and the weather was comfortable. 

Unfortunately, we weren’t even unpacked before shit hit the proverbial fan at the store and I was picking up the pieces.  Now its weekdays working on books, banking, payroll, scheduling and shopping and being on the schedule for the closing shift each weeknight.  Feeling like I don’t want to make the difficult changes necessary when they are telling me that closing is still on track for the beginning of October.  All we can do is hope they are right.    

Scott seems to have adjusted to his forced retirement a little better than expected.  It helps that his body has helped limit his energy so he’s able to work in the pole barn on his projects in small increments and nap whenever he wants and repeat.  He tends to rise between 5 a.m. and 7 a.m. and likes to take a walk soon after he wakes.  When possible, I would rather sleep in until 7 a.m. to 8 a.m. and play Wordle and watch the weather and local news.  In my pajamas.  The last thing I want to do is wake up and start walking.  That would likely require dressing.  Particularly when some days I spend three plus hours grocery shopping then another three to six hours on my feet working.  Hard pass on the walk at 7 a.m.

 One minute he’s a social butterfly; flitting around from one breakfast or lunch date to the next.  Both glad to see people and glad to have his taste buds returning almost normal.  Yet get to the end of the day and he’s too tired to go to the party I want to go to.  Still a little leery of crowds with no immunity.  Next month he can start getting his childhood shots.  I’m still adjusting to his new personality; or trying at least. 

People ask what I mean by that.  First of all, it’s an adjustment to just have him feeling good and not working.  Example, this past Saturday; Scott was in the middle of what I assumed was breakfast for us, frying bacon, when he got a call from his brother Steve.  Next thing I know, he’s heading out the drive with Steve; off to breakfast.  Left in the dust to finish making my own breakfast.   Or we discuss our plans for the day and he tells me he’s right behind me; so, I head up to the store to start on a project.  Two hours later, I text “WTH?”.  Oops, someone called and wanted to go to breakfast.  Or I come home and there’s no sign of him.  Gone to lunch and didn’t leave a note or text.   His phone is on the counter; at least that didn’t change.  It’s hard not to worry even though he has been feeling great.  He leaves for a walk without his phone and is gone for an hour.  Oops, I was talking to every neighbor that would listen.  It’s all good; it just takes some adjustment.        

Even with the difficulty scheduling at the store, I do everything possible to avoid working Saturday nights.  This past week, I ended up back at home just before 2 p.m.  Scott was in the pole barn climbing ladders and doing things he probably shouldn’t be doing, clearly busy.  You can’t tell a grown man with a second chance at life what to do; believe me, I’ve tried.  The new Scott is a little more vocal than the original version.  So, best to just move on and figure out what to do with the rest of my day.  A rare afternoon and evening free of obligations.  The first in what has probably been a month of fully committed days.  Sure, I have lots of work I could do but it’s Saturday afternoon for gosh sakes.   Time to do whatever I want to do; and it can’t be work.  Sadly, I have no idea where to begin. 

I started with dipping the stale rain water out of the hot tub since I could do it in my bathing suit.  Afterall, it’s late July and over 85 degrees out.  I look for and successfully rescue 5 butterfly larva and pull weeds in one of my many neglected flower beds.  Still only 5 p.m.  I visit Scott out in the barn, now working on making a dust collector for his miter saw.  Guess I’ll go play a little June’s Journey on my tablet.  If this is what retirement is like, this is going to make for some painfully long days.  Three hours of self-imposed free time and I’m over it already.  With all the buzz and excitement about retirement, I now see it being borderline traumatic.  No wonder people pass away within days of their retirement; they’re lost or scared to death; literally. 

After a life-time of what was almost constant multi-tasking; I’m already contemplating taking a job for a few years; just because I really can’t grasp the idea of living potentially 30 years while not working.  I can really see how so many retirees seem to party all the time; one, because they can of course, and two; to numb themselves enough to not feel guilty for not doing something critical every day.  Not pushing papers or making parts to make the world go round, no feeding the people or churning the almighty dollar. 

Not to say that enjoying time with friends and family isn’t important, but most of us find ourselves squeezing it in between all our “must dos”.  I’m not sure I’m ready to have nothing on the calendar but social events and doctors’ appointments.  With so many friends and family members living an hour or more away, I almost dread the time that will have to be spent commuting to do all the things we’ve worked our whole lives to have time to enjoy.   Never-ending back yard barbeques, dinners out, vacations and fun with the grandkids.

We will see what retirement brings.  Hopefully the sale of the store keeps moving along and we are free by the end of the year.  Until then, it’s one foot in and one foot out. For now, I’ll have to settle for counting down the number of days that I will still be walking around smelling like fried chicken and potato wedges.