September 28^th – Scott’s original birthday – the day Bonnie brought him into this world 62 years ago.  The first time Scott was born in a small-town hospital, the second child to Gordon and Bonnie.  Dwight Eisenhower was President and Elvis was on his way to becoming “The King” recording hits like “It’s Now or Never” and “Are You Lonesome Tonight”.  Chubby Checker’s “The Twist” tops the Billboard Hot 100 in September of 1960. 

Fast-forward to Scott’s new or “second” birth day – August 17, 2022.  Born again at the University of Michigan’s C. S. Mott Hospital in Ann Arbor.  Weighing in at 160 pounds and 6’2”; about 60 pounds less and one inch shorter than a year previous.  This time his mother suffering a totally different kind of pain; not being able to see her child for weeks after his re-birth.  Donald Trump and COVID 19 continue to dominate the news until September 8th when the death of Queen Elizabeth II dies at the age of 96. Luke Combs is topping the country charts but a song that resonates for Scott and I is by Cody Johnson and worth a listen; Until you Can’t. Give it a listen at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2LixP7n_hM

This time born with regenerating stem cells from his European transplant life-giver.  Born with complications that require him to spend the first 33 days in the hospital.  Rather than starting out on breast milk or formula, he starts with soggy cereal and yogurt.  Eventually adding oatmeal, strawberry Jello, and untoasted bagels.  He enjoys hot tea but no coffee; for an Oswalt, that’s sacrilegious.  Right after the transplant, even the smell of hot food was intolerable.  It was maybe a couple weeks after his transplant that he broke down and ordered something hot off the hospital menu.  It was quickly deemed disgusting and found it’s way to the garbage.   

I think the first day I left the hospital was in search of McDonald’s.  He was certain that while the hospital food was horrible, a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich and hash brown was going to hit the spot.    I was skeptical but got the nurses blessing as long as I was willing to go in and ask that the food be made fresh and not come from the heat lamp warming area.  I did what I was instructed to do, only to have him tell me that it didn’t taste any better than the hospital food and end up in the trash.  After that he went back to cold foods in shades of beige and stayed there until the other day.

Monday on our way back from the hospital he surprised me by asking for an Arby’s roast beef sandwich.  Up until then, the meat-eating man I fell in love with seemed to have died with the transplant.  While he had tried a chicken breast sandwich a couple times in the hospital, red meat didn’t sound good to him at all.  We made the stop and after what seemed like forever, I emerged with a freshly made sandwich and some hot fresh curly fries.  As silly as it seems, I was thrilled to see him enjoy it.  He managed a few fries and ate the entire sandwich.  As a food pusher, it was a huge success.  Baby steps.

Chemo takes it’s toll on your control of bodily functions. There’s a new urgency to going the bathroom and at one point he made me laugh by commenting that if he wasn’t careful he would have to turn in his big boy card. You might find me carrying a urinal in my purse or see one sitting around; don’t worry, I’m going to see that it’s clean but it they provide a good safety net. While in the hospital, the highlight of many days meant a solid bowel movement and admirable urine output. We’re looking forward to a time when that stuff is no longer considered a reportable events; pushed back to the private sector of our lives.

Like any new born baby, people can’t wait to see him and give him hugs.  Like any protective mother, I’m hesitant to let people in.  His immunity system is basically non-existent.   Perhaps one of the hardest part of this is that we aren’t kissing. First his mouth and throat were full of sores and hurt too bad. I masked even while in the room with him. After I finally started leaving the room, I was afraid that I might have been in contact with COVID and didn’t know it so masking was even more important. I think we kissed a couple times and then the next thing I know I start worrying that I might have something that he couldn’t fight so we stopped. A quick hug for our limited visitors is all we can allow for now.

It will be a year before they can give him his childhood immunizations over again.  Even a cold could be devastating for his progress; let alone COVID.  For at least 100 days, he isn’t to be in close contact to young children or pets.  He can’t be around anyone that has recently been given a live vaccine.  He can’t be around live plants or flowers.  There will be no lawn mowing or gardening next year.  Being on the farm near animal waste and dust and dirt will be out of the question for probably a year. 

This year will not be the birthday celebration that we might have wanted for him but it will be a great day to celebrate a life without pain and the promise of a bigger and better celebration next year.  We won’t be going out with friends but hopefully a trip home for a few hours will suffice.  It looks like the weather for the upcoming weekend might be nice so we can imagine ourselves on a vacation adventure while we enjoy the views from our recovery rental home.     

Very few people would answer an ad for a caregiver.  Wanted: Individual willing to drop everything to care for ailing individual.  Must be thick-skinned, have a strong stomach and have a good understanding of technology; a multi-tasker.  Have good transportation and be willing to work nights and weekends.  Applicant must have the patience of Job and be as stubborn as a mule; determined. No benefits, vacation or sick time, no salary. 

Thankfully I was able to retire and commit to being with him at the hospital for the entire time.  That itself created issues.  Retirement meant my insurance coverage ended on August 31^st.  I signed up for COBRA insurance the minute I got the notice and paid the premiums on-line as soon as I could create an on-line account.  Still, as we were preparing to leave the hospital on the 19^th of September, administration was in a bit of a panic to find that my insurance had been terminated effective Sept 1^st.  They hadn’t billed for the transplant yet.  Yikes!  I’m sure that if I had let someone charge up hundreds of thousands of dollars only to have their “credit card” denied on billing day, I would probably be a little freaked out myself.  It took a little doing but we managed to leave that Monday with supplies added to our hospital bill so I didn’t have to put out any ransom money to leave. 

The technology piece is overwhelming.  Test results, insurance, billings, appointments, lodging, you name it; it requires a level of computer savvy that I fear the average person might not have.  With technology comes an enormous amount of patience and a lot of “fake it until you make it”. 

Caregivers should be detail oriented; as you must be able to administer medications several times a day.  Before admission to the hospital, he had so many pills that it required a spreadsheet.  That was only the tip of the ice burg.  Currently, it’s a total of 41 pills, creams, drops, liquids and one 8-hour IV each day.   

If you are like me and typically a very organized person, additional stress comes into play when you begin living out of your vehicle.   Living in his hospital room with him for the first twenty-two days, followed by 7 nights in a hotel alone and 7 nights in the Airbnb in Dexter. I had food, cookware, medical supplies, medicines, clothing, electronics, business files, you name it; all in the Traverse.  That all had to be transferred to the store van so I could take the Traverse to the Body Shop for some repairs this week.  Driving to the hospital in the work van yesterday, a vehicle kicked up a stone in a construction zone and now I have to file a glass claim and deal with that problem one of these days.  One step forward and two steps back. 

Unless your memory is better than mine you better be a good list maker.  Being home one day a week to use the printer to print paychecks and the schedule or a report you’ve been working on all week or grab that file you need for next week’s project takes some skill.   What to take home, what to bring back to the rental. 

Money management.  For the first time in years, I need to keep an eye on my bank balance.  With most our bills on auto-pay and neither of us drawing a paycheck currently, I need to make sure and move money around before the well runs dry.  Thankfully, we have very few bills and we manage our money well so it’s not a matter of where the money will come from; just which account.  We are very glad we have money squirrelled away and our friends and family have been very generous with their gifts of money.  I can’t imagine having to worry about money on top of everything else.

Another necessary trait for a successful caregiver would be determination.  Today was a free day.  Our first full day at the Duck Lake house without appointments at the hospital.  Sounds great but some how it’s 5 p.m. already.  I made oatmeal and made arrangements for back-up care for Scott tomorrow.  That left the majority of the day to tackle Scott’s on-line application for social security disability and look into our AFLAC claims again.  And yes folks, it took all day to lock myself out of Scott’s SSA account, get it unlocked and make a dent in his claim for disability.  I end the day further ahead than before and more determined than ever to get this accomplished without the aid of an attorney. 

Unfortunately, my AFLAC claims don’t appear to be any closer to being in my bank account than they were weeks ago; despite involvement from my agent.   Oh – and I managed to place my first Shipt order today.  If I’m not careful I might get in step with the times by the time this is all behind us.  At least a heck of a lot closer than I planned on being. 

It would be pretty easy to crawl up in a ball and let frustration and depression take its toll on both of us.  Instead, I am constantly reminded that things could be worse.  As I waited in the lobby for an hour and half for them to fill a prescription for melatonin (something that non-patients can just pick up at Meijer or Walmart), a young man was yelling at his wife because he couldn’t get his pills (opioids) refilled at the pharmacy; like yelling at her would fix that. The nose surgeon’s office needed to talk to Scott and he was upstairs finishing his blood transfusion; I wasn’t on their list of authorized people to talk to. So I had to give up on the scripts to head upstairs; returning my pager. Not before standing in line behind a woman fighting with her colostomy bag while trying to pick up her own prescriptions with her IV pole and dressed in her robe and slippers.  I left frustrated but reminded that things could be worse.       

Finally, the job requires love.  A kind of love you can’t buy.  That’s not to say that there aren’t people out there doing this for a living; but they certainly aren’t getting paid what they are worth.  Particularly those working for patients that have lost their will to live.  Scott has kept a very positive attitude.  At his worst he is quiet and unresponsive; very little negative talk or orneriness.    I don’t know what I would do if he didn’t have such a strong desire to get through this and on with the rest of our lives.  I can’t imagine being in a loveless marriage and being called upon to take this assignment.  Thankfully, I feel like I’m one of the lucky ones.     

Being that only 22,000 people undergo a stem cell transplant in the U. S. in any given year, it makes sense that few of us know what it entails.  It’s certainly a process.  There might not be twelve steps like the road to recovery for an addict but certainly it comes with its own hill to climb.  Step one might be diagnosis; determining that you can’t continue the way things are.  Step two was decided for us when we got the call that drug therapy wasn’t going to be enough; a transplant was Scott’s only option for recovery.  While we couldn’t have been more satisfied with the care he received at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota we quickly learned that a transplant there would require living there for the 100-day process.  Our blended family consists of many Michigan State University graduates, so turning to University of Michigan was a little challenging but it was a decision that had to be made; step three.  Then step four was finding him a donor.  After sibling testing proved unsuccessful, the search went international. 

It’s amazing to think about all the moving parts in this adventure.  Planning for the process, bone marrow biopsies and getting clearance from the dentist and eye doctors.  Finding the ideal donor among the near 9 million people in the registry and harvesting those life-saving cells. Shipping them over 4000 miles while maintaining a temperature of negative 190 degrees or less.  Scheduling the thousands of people working each day at Mott Hospital.  Everyone from doctors to the cafeteria staff to maintenance.  Nurses administering not only a multitude of drugs each day but actually transfusing those precious cells of new life; step five.  Techs monitoring all the patients in-take and out-flows; taking vitals and changing the sheets.  Laundry. Trash; and lots of it. Hundreds of tests; taken, processed, billed out and posted to MyChart – the Holy Grail of medical communication. 

Sunday, I noticed a new report had popped up regarding Scott’s progress on the engraftment process.  Interesting enough, last week they were beginning to wonder if the process was working, since he was requiring so many platelets.  Looks like the results came back to show that he is 100% engrafted.  Meaning his donor cells have totally taken over.  This feels right, since we are seeing his rash and most of the “battle” related symptoms going away.  Step six; Hail to the Victor!!

I read that the adult human body contains about 10 pints of blood.  Interesting since we estimate that he received 20-25 pints in the past month.  He lost some with the bloody nose and when they took that spot off his nose but most of it must have just been burnt up like rocket fuel.  The body really is an amazing thing. 

After much planning, we left Room 45 and the halls of 7 West at 2 p.m. yesterday with the hopes of never returning.  Step seven.  We had a visit from the traveling nurse this afternoon and she helped me start his first home IV infusion.   He wears the pump and bag of magnesium in a fanny pack and it will run for 8 hours.  We are already scheduled back in the out-patient clinic for platelets on Wednesday and Friday.  The nurse will likely return on Thursday to supervise my first solo dressing change and after that we will be on our own.  

Not only can I report that he has been released but we have also worked out the plans for the rest of our home-away-from-home stay.  I think I already mentioned the problems I was having trying to find one place for the remainder of the 100 days.  We were looking at having to move out every weekend and either moving back or to a different place since weekends in Ann Arbor were all booked weeks ago.  While searching I happened upon a place on a small lake near Springport that was wildly out of our price range.  That led me to think a little more creatively and realize that a family member of a friend had a summer place on Duck Lake.  Long story short, they have graciously agreed to let us rent it for the next couple months and we will not have to move multiple times.  We leave our Airbnb on Saturday morning and will head to Olivet to recuperate.  We are so happy about this arrangement and thankful for their willingness to help us out.  It’s close to our friends and my old stomping grounds.  It’s remote and quiet.  We will be able to enjoy some country road cruises while keeping a low profile during this time of infant immunity; the road to recovery and step eight. 

Somewhere along this path of growth and recovery is coming to grips with the fact that sometimes we need help.  We’ve had so many people ask how they can help and accepting money hasn’t been something we have been comfortable with.  I’ll have no choice but to ask people to sit with Scott so I can tend to things at the store occasionally. While neither Scott or I are working, we have managed to position ourselves to financially weather this storm.  Realizing that there are people out there that still wish to help out, daughter Alli has come up with a way that is easy and something that will certainly make life easier away from home.  She has gotten us a Shipt account so that we can order groceries and necessities from Meijer in Charlotte and they will be delivered directly to the house.   It’s a great idea since Scott isn’t supposed to be left alone more than 20 minutes unsupervised and it will take me that long just to drive to the store.  Those that feel compelled can put money into our grocery account making things easy for us and them.  We can do that; baby steps, nine and ten. Accepting it and then being ok with it.  

I have had a love hate relationship with the Bachelor series even since it started.  Every year I swear I will not waste my life again and watch it – but I end up binge watching it on Hulu while doing bookwork.  When I arrived back at the hospital Monday, the one nurse was teasing him about watching the Bachelorette Finale this week.  It was like wait – what?  I’ve missed an entire season without even realizing it?  How did that happen?   I really am operating on fumes if I didn’t know this was going on.

Today marks the 30^th day of life post-transplant.  Thankfully he has had no bone pain since that day and he is almost completely off the opioids.  This week his mouth has healed up but he still can’t stand the smell of hot food.  Most of his meals consist of cold cereal and yogurt.  He has almost no appetite and nothing sounds good.  They are basically forcing him to drink milk shakes twice a day for the calories.

Without a shirt on, his back looks more like a Halloween decoration skeleton than the strong strapping man I married.  He can hardly keep his pants up and he’s most comfortable hiding inside the warmth of a baggy hooded sweatshirt.  I will have my work cut out for me putting weight back on him while trying to take it off me.  Sister Kathy brought her yummy jam bars last Saturday and his idea of a splurge is eating half of one of them with his yogurt.  Guess it’s a start. 

No sooner had the mouth and nose healed up that he developed a terrible rash.  His markers for allergies are heightened; so it’s possible that he may have taken on some allergies of his donor.  Nurses told Nichole that they once had a patient that had a terrible reaction to a peanut butter sandwich and it was later determined that the donor was allergic to peanuts; so, it happens.  The rash is also a common symptom of graph versus host disease.  Like it sounds, it’s the side affect of the battle between the remaining cells vs the new cells.  A certain level is expected but serious cases will hinder the recovery process. Either way the treatment is the same and most definitely it doesn’t help the mental state of mind when your skin looks and feels terrible and the itch is unbearable.   

He can’t seem to sleep; or if he does, he still feels exhausted in the morning.  I think he’s catching a few winks in the early evenings but then the midnight meds and vitals wake him up.  Then there’s the blood draws at 3:30 a.m. and platelets at 5 a.m.  So that leaves him dozing off and on until noon.  He’s usually awake enough about the time the Gun Smoke marathon starts.  I think that runs for 3 hours or so.  Then it’s 3 hours of the Andy Griffith Show.  After that is Everyone Loves Raymond.  Once in a while he mixes in a football game or just shuts it off hoping to sleep a little before the next round of meds and vitals. 

Days are awkward.  He really doesn’t feel good enough for company; even mine.  I struggle to keep busy while being totally silent.  I don’t have the energy to go walking like I did when Nicole was here.  Misery loves company for sure.  It’s a very helpless situation.  Days go by that I don’t feel like I’ve done any good but it never fails that I leave for a day and things happen that I should have been there for.  I feel like every return visit to the hospital is like a first date.  Awkward, wearing my mask because I’ve been out in the world for a day or two.  Afraid that if I hug him too hard that he might break.  Not knowing what to say.  Just trying to get a smile out of him.   Wondering if things will even be the same again.  

Tonight, I spend another rare night in Vicksburg alone.  It should feel good to be home.  But it doesn’t.  This isn’t home – this is a house I am familiar with; one I know where things are kept.  My home includes a tall broad man with a smile in his eyes and strong hands.  It also includes a big lug of a dog with bad breath and stinky farts.  He’s dad’s couch buddy in the morning and mom’s cuddler at night.  I watch a couple stupid chick shows that he wouldn’t want to watch.  I turn on our favorite music.   I’m not tired; maybe that’s my body’s way of avoiding our bed.  It’s just another reminder that he’s not here.  I can’t lie; being here is hard.  We still have a long way to go and as hard as we try, no one can really help me anymore than I can help him.   It’s just going to take time and a whole lot of patience.   

Booking a hotel absolutely stresses me out.  Why?  Because not a booking goes by without some type of problem or a “WTH did I do wrong now” moment.  I did a fair amount of traveling alone for my job.  Once while on a work trip, I entered the room I was given, only to catch a glance of a gentleman using the bathroom.  Holy moly!  I quickly slammed the door and returned to the front desk for a new room assignment.  Probably scarred us both for life.  I don’t spend thirty seconds in a hotel room without the flipping the safety latch; hopefully he doesn’t either. 

I tend to spend an unusual amount of time searching for that perfect hotel price and location.  Always fearing that the minute I pull the trigger and book, a bad review will surface or a better deal with pop up.  Unfortunately; that often leaves me forgetting where I ended up booking; and who with.  Did I end up booking directly or go with Booking.com or Travelocity?  Where’s my email confirmation?  Or was it in a text to my personal phone or did I have it sent to my work email?  Where is it!!  More than once I have been convinced that I knew where I was going only to find myself presenting myself at the wrong hotel.  Oops!  Back in the car headed to their neighboring competitor that was probably $5 cheaper! 

Then you get to your room and there’s always something you would rather not deal with but it’s one night so why go through the hassle of moving all your stuff only to find the next room isn’t any better.  You can pretty much be guaranteed that either the heat, air or refrigerator is going to be loud; flip a coin.  Or you get to your room only to realize they’ve recently shampooed the carpet and the floors are soggy wet.  Thankfully, I always travel with my flip flops so I just make a practice of never taking my shoes off in a hotel room.

The best one was the time I booked a room in South Haven for our anniversary.  We enjoyed a leisurely drive over there in the ’55 Bellaire and went to check into our hotel before dinner.   Only to find that I had booked for the next night.  The clerk so pleasantly tried to calm me by saying there was no harm done, they would have the room ready tomorrow when we came back.  That was a hard pass; we weren’t coming back on Sunday night and of course there wasn’t a room to be had anywhere so we ended up driving home in the dark with the headlights flickering off and on.  A real nail biter. 

Last week’s hotel was no exception.  I don’t even want to know how many hours I spent looking for the perfect hotel for Scott to come out to.  As you know, he was never released so it really didn’t matter.  The room was much smaller than the pictures led me to believe it was but it was clean and the price was right for what it was.  The lock was a little sketchy but I figured out before having to go to the front desk.  The upstairs neighbors weren’t too loud and even though I saw dogs in the window when I left in the mornings, I never heard them barking. 

My “WTH was I thinking” moment came at the end of my stay.  Just when I thought I had broken my pattern of failed hotel bookings.   My daughter’s birthday was Friday the 9th and I knew I couldn’t get into the Airbnb until Saturday the 10^th.  It was while I was contemplating spending the night with her on Friday night rather than driving back late that I decided to look at my booking information one more time.  Sure enough; I had booked the room from Sept 2^nd to Sept 9^th.  My Airbnb was for Sept 10^th to Sept 24^th.  Sounds good right? Wrong.  When you check out by 11 a.m. on the 9^th it leaves you on the street for the night of the 9^th.  Thankfully it was Marlena’s birthday and I was able to load up my car and cooler and stay with her on Friday night.  Homelessness avoided. 

I ended up staying at home Saturday and Sunday night which should be relaxing but it really isn’t.  When you know that it’s only a matter of time before undesirables figure out you aren’t living at your home, it’s a little scary to pull in the drive in the dark and enter your house that’s been vacant for a week.  If that isn’t enough, it has stormed during the night every night I’ve returned home.  It was heart-warming to be greeted by our pet chicken each morning.  I found her peaking in the office door or windows first thing in the morning; looking for me.  I went out and called for her and she comes waddling over – priceless.   She stands at the screen door and talks to me.  She’s not a dog but she will do in a pinch.  Our dog Zeus probably thinks we’ve left him for good.  He’s living the good life with Scott’s daughter so he may have already decided to not come back home to us when this is all over. 

You might be asking yourself; what was the point to all this useless information?  What does this have to do with cancer? I think it goes to show that while I may have some of you fooled into thinking I’m a confident, independent and intelligent woman sailing through this world of adversity, in reality I make just as many mistakes as the next person; maybe more.  An average person. Thankfully, I am just too determined, ok stubborn, to let a few mistakes keep me from getting back up and trying again until I get it right.   

As we near 30 days in Scott’s all-inclusive resort aka Mott Children’s Hospital I find myself reflecting.  I think maybe I’ve grown as much as Scott’s cells have.  As you can imagine, having so much time on my hands has been very difficult.  Wanting to help and having Scott not be receptive is a hardship.  

I’m navigating I-94 alone without fear.  I’m finding my way back to my hotel making the 10-turn journey without the help of my GPS.  I can get to and from all parking garages at any time of day or night without getting lost.  I must be exuding confidence because not a day goes by that I don’t find myself giving out directions to lost souls.  All I need is a different badge and a maybe a smock!  I am much better at reacting to unexpected bodily functions without feeling ill myself.  I can pause the IV machine to stop the incessant beeping until nurses get there, and I feel confident enough to administer his IV infusions and care for his Hickman catheter when he is released. 

Despite the temptations of all the snacks people have blessed us with; I have limited my weight gain to a couple pounds by making a concentrated effort at watching my intake and burning calories by walking with my new friend Nicole.  Without realizing it, she has pushed me to walk the equivalent of a 5k almost every day without passing out.  Sadly, Scott hasn’t been able to venture farther than the adjoining hallways for the past 30 days.

The hospital insisted that I book a place when they started talking about letting him out last Friday.  Thankfully the gifts of money we have received are covering the cost of the hotel but in hindsight, it’s an expense we could have avoided.  It has been nice to leave at the end of the day and return to the private space.  It’s still a shared space with the giants stomping around in the room above me but at least there aren’t people coming in and out of the room all hours of the night.   While Scott has been confined to the horrible hospital bed or over-sized recliner, I’ve slept in my own bed four nights (which is also kind of scary), the hotel for five nights and 21 nights on a well-worn hospital couch; but who’s counting. 

Before arriving, I mentioned in my blog my desire to find new friendships while in Ann Arbor.  That prayer was answered when we met Steve and Nicole in the sunny common area one day.  Steve also suffers from a rare form of cancer that is treatable with stem cell therapy.  Thankfully for them, Steve was sprung Wednesday.  Not before she and I were able to spend hours sharing stories and providing each other with a much-needed understanding ear.  Having someone that shares the process and the new terminology we’ve learned has been priceless.  She checked in with me yesterday already and it was nice to call her back and let her know that Scott’s ANC had reached a 1 and his platelets had risen to 17.  Whoop! Whoop!  Try as they may, friends and family are not in a place to know what in the world that means.  There’s something really bonding about going through this process together.   

Not realizing we needed to reset our devices DAILY to use the hospital network caused us to burn through our data plan in record time; requiring us to purchase additional data but not before our phones got shut off.  Another learning curve under my tool belt.  In looking over my Verizon account the other day I was shocked to see that I had sent and received 969 texts in 20 days.  Guess that tells you how I spend a lot of my free time! 

Scott keeps busy with naps, walking the halls when he’s not taking in or expelling too much blood, and watching Andy Griffith and Everyone Loves Raymond marathons.  He’s been dealing with bloody nose issues for the last couple days so that has limited his mobility.  Just a year ago he was working 16-hour days for a month straight pushing silage; the annual stockpiling of feed for the winter.  His absence has created a hole at the farm.  Brother Steve has realized that their unspoken brotherly connection is something not easily replaced.  I always knew that they were remarkable in the way they always just knew what the other was going to do and worked independently as a team without talking about it.  I can’t imagine the amount of instruction and thinking out loud that training Scott’s replacements is taking.  We can’t begin to thank him enough for all that he has been forced to manage during Scott’s absence. 

We are so grateful for the people that have risen to the occasion and stepped in to help us.  Family members stepping up in so many ways and gifts of money from all directions. We have neighbors mowing our lawn and canning our peaches.  Raising my butterflies and just keeping an eye on things.  Several people are helping at the farm to make sure business continues there.  Employees at my store are taking on more hours and responsibilities to ensure the store continues to be successful.  Scott and I aren’t the only ones growing and coping.  I’ve learned that in the midst of uncertainty many stars are born.   While the last year has been difficult at best, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more capable.  Living proof that adversity leads to growth and truth to “What doesn’t kill you girl makes you stronger”. 

Aug 31^st – Day 20 in the hospital. A spacious private room but still less than 300 square feet. Our commute is nearly 2 hours each way so I’ve only gone home twice; once after 10 days and then again after 7 days.    Being home for a short period requires a lot of planning so that I can get everything done while there.  Last Sunday, I went home and got the van to do some store shopping, priced and stocked what I bought and prepped stuffed pork loin and burritos for lunch specials for Monday and Tuesday.  Went home and processed payroll, paid bills, did laundry and bookwork until midnight.  Monday, I got up and went to another distributor only open on weekdays, stocked $2k worth of pop, cigarettes and candy and worked the lunch shift from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.  After that I hit the bank and post office to mail our confirmation to continue the health insurance we so desperately need right now.  Home to shower and throw my bags back in the car to return to the hospital by 6 p.m. 

As you can guess, this trip allowed for NO down time or relaxation.  It wasn’t five minutes after landing before he was telling me that he was doing just fine without me there and that I wasn’t needed.  A real punch in the gut after running my ass off for the last 30 hours.  The moral of that whole story is to make sure you allow yourself time to decompress while you are out -regardless of how daunting your TO DO list might be.  You need it. Your patient may not get the same round-the-clock watch while you are gone but they will be fine and they probably need that time to operate independently as much as you need the break.  Lesson learned.  Today I plan to pack up and go home until Friday morning; giving us both a much-needed break before having to spend a week in a hotel room together.  It will be nice to be out but it will be a little frightening being on our own to cope and still in confinement.   

Going into this, we knew that it was a going to be a long process.  He won’t be out of the woods until 100 days after the transplant; maybe longer.  Day 100 falls the day after Thanksgiving.  When we met with the team at U of M, we knew that they would expect us to stay within 100 miles of the hospital for 100 days.  MapQuest our address and Mott Children’s Hospital and you get 102 miles, but ask for a 100-mile radius of Ann Arbor and we are inside it.    In addition, you agree not to leave the patient alone for more than 20 minutes at a time.  I’ve burned HOURS looking at hotels, apartments, VRBO’s and Airbnb houses in the event they require us to stay closer to Ann Arbor.  So far, I’ve booked a house in Dexter (about 10 miles from Ann Arbor) from Sept 10^th to Sept 24^th; hoping we can get a pass after that.     

This morning his ANC was finally on the chart at .3 – in order to be released it must be over zero for two days in a row.  He’s very tired and his platelets are only 11 so he will receive more of them again today.  They are still hopeful for a release on Friday.  While that sounds great, it just means living in a hotel for a week until our Airbnb is available.    Even with the money gifts we have been given that can go towards that expense, it’s hard to part with over $10k when we already have a beautiful home to recover in.  I have the hotel booked starting Friday night and IV training scheduled for Friday morning.  For someone that isn’t needed; I sure feel like there are a lot of responsibilities on my shoulders.   Asking for help is not my strong suit and while people have been more than happy to offer help it’s still not easy to make that phone call and ask for it.  Maybe practice will make perfect. 

Aug 31, 2022 – After posting the Hallmark version of my report, I think it’s necessary to add some meat to my potatoes and tell “the rest of the story” for my readers that are coming here to gain insight on how to cope when faced with the realities of cancer.    

There have been no pictures lately because the sore on his nose is nasty; large enough that you fear a gremlin will crawl out of it.  I’m concerned that it too might be cancerous but we have them look at it each day and they still think it will heal up.  It doesn’t help that the mask rubs right on it when he has to wear one.  I am supposed to mask at all times, even in the room with him but he is able to wear his only in the halls and when the doctors are in the room. 

They’ve been able to get him off the morphine which seems to have been the cause of most his involuntary movements, being half awake and half asleep and talking in his sleep.  He’s able to do much better with just the long acting Oxy but during the days of severe mucositis (tons of phlegm causing the mouth sores) he had to have some short acting Oxy added back.  They were concerned that with his bones being so scarred that there was only room for 5% blood flow, that the pain could possibly continue after the transplant but he has not had any bone pain since transplant day.  That part was an immediate improvement. 

Another issue that I have also talked with others about is the patient’s heightened sense of taste and smell.  Along with not thinking that anything tasted good after the transplant, Scott suffered the inability to tolerate the sounds of anyone eating or the smell of food.  This started while we were still at home.   When you cook for a living and eating out together has been an important part of your relationship, it’s really depressing when you find yourself unable to cook or eat in your own home.  I had a couple people tell me that for them it meant taking their food into the bathroom to eat so the patient didn’t smell or see it.   It sounds trivial but it makes you cry.    

It is certainly a challenge to walk the halls and see each person on the ward dealing with their own version of hell.  The couple we met about ten days ago is struggling.  Lots of signs posted on his door made us concerned.  Thankfully his wife saw us out walking last and came out to talk to us.  He is not able to eat at all and like several people in the ward is suffering with C-diff.  A bacterium that happens to hospital patients and is very contagious.  Scott was flagged suspicious at one point but was thankfully cleared.  After seeing Scott in the halls doing so well, “Steve” was feeling down with his progress but we were able to assure his wife that Scott too has had his problems throughout the journey.  I was trying really hard to “cheerlead” Scott and he shut me down by asking me not to brag him up; that everyone here is trying their best; they are all superstars.  Saying the right thing at the right time is an impossible challenge right now.   

Scott comments that at least I don’t have to feel the pain and agony of the cancer and its side-effects and that I need to cut him some slack.  In my mind, I’m just trying to make sure he does what they are asking him to do.  One can’t understand what the patient feels, but being on the side-lines unable to fix it is equally difficult.  He can have pain medications and drugs to help him sleep through it while you sit and watch; helpless.  You find yourself waking up when the nurses come in to hear what they are seeing or finding.   If you choose to take some sleep aids, then that’s the time that you find yourself needed during the night and you are too groggy.  Thankfully, the mind and body are wonderful things.  We wake each morning with new issues or challenges but luckily the pain and suffering of the days before are already fading.

Well, it’s update time again.  Hoping that today will be lucky; Day 13 after transplant. 

The last methotrexate (chemo drug) treatment was two days ago.  Side effects of the Granix shots seem to be lessening a little.  Granix is given to help with the production of new white blood cells that ward off infections.  The sore on his nose looks to be clearing up a little.  He’s back to walking after taking a couple days off.  While he was holding on to the fact that his father never lost any hair with chemo, the nurse on Day 10 told him it was pretty much unavoidable with this regiment.  Sure enough; the next day, he started to see evidence of hair on the pillow.  That was an easily fixed with the hair clippers.  Not a big deal since he’s had a buzz cut the last few summers any way.  He’s hanging on to the shortened mustache and who knows what it will take to tame those eyebrows; guess we will find out. 

He hasn’t lost his sense of humor; while we were out on a walk after I got back last night, we stopped at the window seats.  I noticed something that looked like a tuft of hair; his hair.  I commented – if I didn’t know better, I would say that’s your hair on the floor over there.  He grinned and said “it is – I left it there as a present”.  Guess we will see how good the cleaning crew is here. 

He’s still getting blood transfusions and platelets almost daily to keep his hemoglobin over 7 and platelets over 10.  His white counts were finally on the board today at .3 so that’s a good sign.  Things are as they expect to be; it’s just a long process.  Rome wasn’t built in a day so we continue to try and be patient as he works through the side-effect of the day. 

Sunday, I had training on Chester the port dummy.  I’ve graduated to wrapping Scott’s Hickman site and lines before he showers and I changed his dressing with assistance once.  Before we leave I will have to learn how to give him the magnesium IV and flush the lines and change them.  Never saw all that coming, if we’ve learned anything along the way it’s when you have to – you just do.